Swimming Along

Good morning, everyone!  I am currently sitting in my yarn room, contemplating all things knitting and life, and it dawned on me that many of my thoughts never make it from head to blog.  Yes, I do realize this may be a good thing for some, but there are occasions where I just flat-out need to write so my head doesn't explode.

I have been twice-weekly blogging for a British website called LoveKnitting, and the respnose and experience has been fantastic.  While I admit I need to brush up on my British English a bit, the writing has been successful. To give you an idea of what I write, here is the most recent post:

http://blog.loveknitting.com/anatomy-of-a-baby-hat/

And while I still write my Examiner.com column, these past two months have been difficult keeping up since I moved and changed jobs, blah blah blah.  But here is the fun part...this is the reason I decided to blog today as it is. More than just to say hello, I am a bit full of discovery and felt like sharing with the masses.

This was my sixteenth move in nineteen years.  I know it is not my last...when I walked through my condo for the first time, my first thought was "Ooh...dollar signs!" and my second thought was, "Hmm...I could live here for a bit."  I own a real estate investment company.  This company is why I was able to quit my job and take a massive pay cut so I could figure out who the hell I am and other existential crap I cannot quite articulate after a night of working.  My condo is a part of that...I paid cash for it, and the fact is that it will make a perfect rental property for me when I decide to move.

But for now, though, it's cute.  And it has a yarn room...seriously!

So anyway, I was unpacking and putting things where they belong and creating spaces for things that did not have a home yet, and I became aware of two notions regarding my possessions.  The first is that I feel my bedroom is private enough where it should be the home for items like my old diaries, private photographs and letters, and publications that may not be appropriate for everyone.  And I am not talking about dirty magazines or anything like that...just some stuff that is only someone's business if I make it their business.

I was actually flipping through my diaries a bit...this is the second thing I discovered...and when I was reading entries from fourteen years ago, I had that pang of truth where you realize that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  If I am to believe what I wrote when I was in my mid-twenties...and let's face it, I tend to think lying goes against the ways of the universe...then I am to accept the fact that I was not settled then, and I am not settled now.  I talked about not feeling like I was home, not having any stability, and not knowing how I felt about certain people both for the here-and-now and for the long-term future.

I'm referring to family members, friendships, intimate relationships...all of it.

So I came to the conclusion that perhaps I should stop trying to seek out stability.  What is so wrong with taking life as it comes, anyway?  If I cross the threshold of "home," or meet "the one," or land THE job, or even get slapped in the face with a dose of karma telling me what I should be when I grow up, I may listen.

But for now, I LIKE me.  I like not knowing what is next, and yet still being a psychotic planner for the ticks in my life that I can control.

I am going to try my hand at being a real estate agent.  If it doesn't pan out, well, let me just get out a thick notebook to catalogue all of the various endeavors I have tried that did not work out...

I am going to get my non-profit off the ground this year.  Someone recently started following me on Twitter and I took it as a sign that this is, in fact, the year to do it.  I am thinking sometime around July I will be able to have the business plan ready, have the tools to know the next steps on how to proceed, and maybe even have a vision of my life after starting it.

Or not.

My life is not a river.  It is not fireworks.  It is certainly not a well-beaten path.

My life is more like church:  it has its constant qualities, but you never know what lesson you will learn from one week to the next.

I am going to try my hardest to be fine with it.  Seriously.

In the meantime, here is a picture of me in a baby hat.  Seriously.

I. Love. Life.

Good morning, knitting friends...while I wait for the city to thaw out, I have had plenty of time to think about life and whatnot, and have come to some really awesome conclusions.

Actually, I don't know if anyone will agree on the "awesome" part...but to me, these decisions and conclusions are seriously of that magnitude.

I was walking around New York for Vogue Knitting LIVE back in January, and I realized something. I freak out over nothing sometimes.  For as even of a keel as I tend to live, I sometimes over-think something to the point where I can't sleep, and working overnight makes this problem worse.  Anyway, I was contemplating changing jobs because the only part of my "old" life that I have left are my job and my house.

Well, guess what?  I sold my house.  Two weeks before the Super Bowl, when NOBODY buys real estate.

And as I was eating probably my six hundredth slice of pizza (the pizza is not far from the top of the list of reasons why I adore New York), I thought to myself, "Why am I doing this?"

So I went back to work after my vacation and told my boss I wanted to step down to overnight stocker, instead of maybe Loss Prevention Manager or something else where I am suited more compatibly.  After getting approvals from about seven different humans, literally, I went from making $72,000 per year to $11.25 per hour.  And I couldn't be happier.

Then, something great happened.  I was asked to join the list of bloggers for a British website called loveknitting.com.  I get to write a knit tip for them every Monday and a product review every Friday, so instead of knitting just for fun, I get to knit with purpose!  I know this sounds like the worst nightmare for some, but I get to try every type of yarn, needle, notion, and what-have-you and tell people what I think of it.

Then, I was also asked to be the guest speaker for the Windy City Knitting Guild this July, where I get to talk about my column and the Yarn Crawl.

Then...finally...in addition to selling my house, I bought this adorable condo on the northwest side and it is closer to everything I could ever want in life.

Basically, my life now consists of knitting, writing about it, and running my real estate company.  The job is just a way to pass the time so my brain and body can vacation from the desk and creative process.  I have the best life ever!

Meanwhile, this week's product review for loveknitting.com is going to be about Eucalan.  My house currently smells like grapefruit, which is a way better smell than the phase I'm in at the moment.  See, I love moving.  I'm great at it.  This will be my thirteenth move in seventeen years.  And as much as I want to see if this is "The One"...home, that is...I don't care because I love living somewhere new every few years.

For now, though, I am headed to bed so I can go to the Blackhawks game with a dear friend, and then go to work.  And then I shall knit on my lunch break and have everyone scratching their heads at me.  Goodnight.

...And Now, I Nap

~~phew~~

So, I'm sorry it has been a bit, but I attended so many events at Vogue Knitting LIVE...and there were SO many people to meet and see...that I didn't even get to write every story I wanted to write.

I usually get to write about the Marketplace, and then all of the fun extras VKLive has to offer, but I was tired after writing eleven articles.  I feel I did okay with the coverage, however.

So now I shall use this space to tell you what you missed!

First of all, Vogue LIVE is great in any city, but it's worth the field trip to New York if you have never attended that one.  The hotel is accommodating, and since it's smack in the middle of Times Square you have plenty of food, people-watching, and walking-direction options when you need fresh air.  But I will say, the Marketplace...umm...

Part of the reason I didn't get to write about the Marketplace is that, even though I took a boatload of photos, the place was JAMMED.  I had a hard time trying to talk to peole to get the inside scoop on their booths, and find out why they thought they were special or ordinary or noteworthy or whatever they thought about themselves.

Here are a couple of fun photos, however...

This was Laura Bryant's demonstration on how the eye sees color...we all thought we were pretty artsy, or at least had an average pallette in our heads, but quickly realized we were wrong.  She was great...very, very passionate and a great sense of humor to boot.  I went to two yarn shops in NYC on Monday just so I could see her yarns in person, since I don't get to see them too often here in Chicago.

This was the view from the end of the runway at the Marketplace fashion show.  See all of the people in the back?  Keep in mind, the aisles were probably eight feet wide...it's not like we were crammed in like sardines on purpose.  The place was just that awesome.

This is one of the items that was autioned off for charity, next to its magazine promo counterpart.  It's nice to see a piece that looks great in person, and actually looks wearable when it's styled, no?  I may have to go back and make this one after I finish Deb Newton's tunic from the 30th Anniversary issue.

I also finally met Trisha Malcom in person, which was a hoot.  She posted a message on my facebook page, asking if I was at the gala and saying she was dying to meet me in person, and then of course a few minutes later, one of my yarny friends from Chicago sent me a message which echoed my sentiments exactly:

"Trisha Malcolm posting on your facebook page is totally your Jennifer Lawrence moment."

So there was that...she's great as well.  I walked up to her right before she was scheduled to sign a bunch of books...I think we both had closure...ha ha ha.  Anyway, I was SO honored to cover the event because I meet such great people and I get these emails afterward from people I don't know, saying that they really appreciate me giving them a good snapshot of what it's like there.  I'm quite proud of that.

Some news...I got an email from a woman named Helen Hollyhead, who is a higher-up at loveknitting.com, and to make a long story short, I've been asked to be a bi-weekly contributor to their blog.

Wow.

So all of a sudden, I am going to have this British-based audience with a world-wide reach, since of course we are talking about the internet, and I get to talk about yarn all day for money.  Suddenly, the whole changing-jobs thing and the very ill-timed changing-houses thing are looking like the greatests pushes from God EVER.  I am looking so forward to this gig, and of course I will be promoting the crap out of the website because it's like a little community and it has all of my favorite products on it...yay!

I'm off to work, and then tomorrow I get to interview Shirley Paden so I have to get all of my stuttering out of the way on the drive to UIC...ha ha ha.  I'm getting the hang of this, though.  It's funny, because I grew up in Chicago and see famous people pretty often, but when I meet a famous yarnie, I just get all flustered and my first thought is, "Your brain is AMAZING!"  So yeah...I might need to nap before the event tomorrow.

Cheers!

Is It New York Time Yet?

Hello!

Okay...so my head doesn't explode, I'll start with I'M GOING TO NEW YORK TOMORROW FOR VOGUE KNITTING LIVE!  Big deal, right?  Just a bunch of crazy cat ladies who get excited about yarn, right?

Well, I am one of those crazy cat ladies.  And I love yarn.  And some of the greatest characters I have ever met involve yarn and knitting.  So there.  Moving on.  Here is the preview I wrote for it...I can't wait to see my friend Kelly Fleek and all of the organizers of Vogue LIVE and the instructors and...gosh.  It's like the Oscars for knitting...EVERYONE is there.  And there is me, with my fedora and the little card that says "SCOOP" sticking out, shoving a microphone into the faces of the important and getting a nugget for the next story.

http://www.examiner.com/article/vogue-knitting-live-new-york-preview?cid=db_articles

When last we spoke, I was finding focus.  I think there was a weak day after that where I really, truly lost focus.  I was sitting on the couch, knowing I had things to do but knowing also that I was not getting up because I could keep telling myself I didn't care, and I would keep believing it.  Transition is funny.  I ran across a video of Faith Hill singing "I Surrender All."  It's a gospel hymn about giving up the struggle and realizing you can't do it alone.  For some reason, I heard it inside and out, loud and clear.

So I focused.  I finished three knitting projects in one day, including a little iPhone cover and a hat that I was making out of Malabrigo Rios.  I wasn't sure of the hat, but a friend of mine said he wanted one, so I started asking typical knitter questions.

"What color?"  Something normal.
"Slouchy or beanie?"  Beanie.
"Are you allergic to anything?"  No.

So I finished the hat and finally was able to give it to the recipient yesterday.  Try not to focus on the eye-candy...I have insanely good-looking friends...and just look at the hat.

First thing he said when he tried it on was, "It's so SOFT!"  That's Malabrigo Rios for you.  When I saw him leaving my house, he was wearing it under his other winter hat.  It was the grownup version of the woobie.

So then I finished this simple cowl that was tying up my size US9 circular needles (and I wanted to start the Scotty Hat because I brought it up in conversation three weeks ago...seriously...so I needed the needles).  I also finished this little iPhone pouch, pictured here.  Oh, and a gauge swatch.

Here's the thing with the gauge swatch.  I did a figure-8 cast on of 80 stitches and knit until I finished up the little ball of Cascade Eco+ that I had left from the Yarn Crawl pattern last year.  I wanted to see how thick it would be if I felted it.  This is probably my favorite yarn of all time...it drapes nicely, the colors are beautiful, the wool isn't itchy...nothing but good good goodness.

Then, I went to felt the swatch.

It started out at 7 inches tall by 9 inches wide.  It ended 4.5 inches tall by 9 inches wide.  Huh.

Part of the problem, I'm sure, is me.  I put it in cold water, went upstairs from the basement, went back down two minutes later, and I drained the basin.  Duh.  Clearly, coffee was not the order of the morning...a felted project in cold water is a bit of an impossible challenge.

Then.  I checked on it about every ten seconds.  Another duh...let the thing do its job!  But whatever...it was a learning experience and I now know to use a different, thinner yarn with larger than called-for needles to make what I want to make.  And I have a beautiful prom clutch for the next time I...you know...go to the prom.  I'm 38 and a half now, so I may get asked this year...

Anyway, I'm bringing the Scotty hat and the second pink sock with me to Vogue LIVE, and that's it.  That should leave plenty of room for yarn if, perhaps, a ball or two were to jump into my bag.  See you there...I will be live-tweeting, updating facebook, and writing about ten articles over the weekend.  My email address is amy.e.kaspar@gmail.com and my phone number is 708-912-7338...feel free to contact me at any time over the weekend.  Yay!

The Buck Stops Here

Usually, the new year is when people evaluate the past year, and resolve to make key points of opportunity better.  I apparently have to wait a few days to do that; big surprise, I was working on New Year's Eve so I was not exactly concentrating on my period of reflection.

However, I am now able to look at the past year, and this is what I see.  From solstice to solstice, here are a few of the key takeaways from my life:

1.  I told my husband I wanted a divorce.  I am not a fan of divorce, but walking away at the point of knowing I did everything...absolutely everything...that I possibly could do to save things made it the only decision I could make if I wanted to preserve my sanity.
2.  I was told my work situation needed to change.  Incidentally, I am always open to new opportunities, so if there are any job openings where you think I would be a good fit, pass it along.
3.  My dogs were involved in an attack, resulting in the deaths of two "innocent" dogs (including the beloved family pet of a very dear friend) and the loss of one of my two dogs.  There is nothing worse...and this is coming from someone who said goodbye to her high school sweetheart at his bedside...than saying goodbye to a pet who has no idea she did anything wrong, and moments beforehand is SOOO excited to be jumping up to eat her Canine Carryouts puppy treats.
4.  I went from being a landlord of two to a landlord of seven, practically overnight.  Too much.
5.  My house went on the market because I need a fresh start and to not be able to turn every corner of a room and see my marriage, and the place won't sell because (presumably) it's on a busy street and there is dust on the floor boards.
6.  I sprained my ankle and was basically inactive for three weeks.  Might not sound like a big deal to some, but I have the attention span of a fruit fly and my direction tends to change about as often as the next commercial break.
7.  The true love of my life came back, and left, and came back, and left, and...I don't know.  All I know is I see a ten-year cycle and I don't like cycles...I like swinging from branch to branch with a common finish line.
8.  I lost custody of some really odd stuff that affected my day-to-day activities.  Some, like the dog and cat, were given up in an effort to accelerate the breakup.  Others...well...I was left with a bunch of little goodbyes, like no toaster (but thank god I got custody of the toaster waffles), no microwave (but I have a pantry full of microwave popcorn), no pizza cutter, some odd-sized pots, tools, no normal light bulbs, no bathroom scale (mine), and my personal favorite...the margarine was thrown out but the cheese and sausage (two foods I don't eat) were left in the fridge.
9.  The anniversary of CJ's death hit me like a ton of bricks this year, but when I was bawling my eyes out for what felt like an irrational amount of time proportionate to the event, I decided that it was a wakeup call to do something awesome in his memory (see my last post for more info on that).

Through all of this, I realized I lost my confidence and focus.  It spilled over into my knitting...today, I went to a yarn shop to help out a friend whose employees were all on winter vacation, and I brought a project bag with me.  In it was not a sweater...it was part of a sweater, a second sock, half a hat, an almost-finished baby blanket, a recently-started scarf, and a voter registration card holder (gag gift for a friend).  This is not like me at all...I like to start things and then finish them.

So my reflections were short and to the point:  I looked at my year, decided it doesn't get much worse than this (and no, god...that is NOT a challenge), and noticed that the only things on that list that I could have controlled were things I wanted at the time I controlled them.  So what to do?

Simple.  Put it in Drive.  Eat better.  Get some fresh air.  Finish the knitting projects, not by knitting five rows of each every day but by finishing one at a time.  Get a new job.  Network.  Call upon the friends who have needed me in the past, because I need them now and true friends don't keep a balance sheet.  Continue to answer the phone when someone needs me in the present.  Offer up my spare bedroom.  Give rides.  Tell people I love them, and please, and thank you.

Most of all, focus.  Becoming the person I used to be may sound like a step back, but it is actually a giant and profound step forward.  The confidence will come back naturally.  And lord knows I've been asked out enough lately where the confidence should come roaring back, but I'm still waiting for Johnny Oduya to pick up the phone.

(Here's the sad part:  I joke so often about my crush on Johnny Oduya that if he ever DID pick up the phone, it would actually be his attorney with a member of law enforcement on the line as a witness.  Johnny, if you are reading, I promise I'm kidding and I would never, ever ever ever, stalk anyone, let alone a celebrity.  But I would still love to buy you a cup of java and just talk about lost loved ones and how beautiful Sweden is...I've been there.  And by the way I love your solid, consistent style of play and the fact that you are a defensive defenseman...you can block shots from other time zones and the Blackhawks are damn fortunate to have you.)

This school-of-thought resolution seems to be working for the first couple of days of the year.  I walked to my mechanic's place when it was one degree outside, and it felt great.  Of course, today I knit about five rows on three different knitting projects, but anyone who has ever owned a camera knows that focus is not instantaneous.

Focus is gradual.  It's progress.  It's driven.  I'm on it.

PS...I have a hand-written note from Brady which reads "Thank you for giving me focus."  No...thank YOU.

Open Letter to CJ

Dear CJ...This is the place where most people say, "I can't believe it's been four years already."  Well, I feel differently...the last four years have been, for the most part, pretty damn horrible.  I can't believe it's been only four years, since it feels more like twenty.

And understand, it was nobody's fault.  Just too much change in a short time.

I was talking about the day you died to someone in line at Dominick's this morning, seriously.  I muttered something about today being the anniversary of my fiance's death, and he said, "Like, wait...what?  He's dead literally?"  I don't know why that struck me as funny for the moment, but I said yes...I kissed him after he flatlined and it was hollow.  I promise his mom and I checked pretty thoroughly.

Then, later that night, we (your mom and I) went back to your house in Plainfield, and all I kept saying to myself in the car was, "Now what?"  It was actually a night like this one...just snow, and cold, and the Blackhawks were playing that night.  I told Alex I wasn't going to make the game.  I think I had a cigarette that night.  Slept on the couch because I didn't feel comfortable even crossing the threshold into your bedroom.

I wonder on some days how your boys are doing.  I ask your mother sometimes...goodness knows I can't ask the other person, who made it pretty clear she thought I was hiding something when you were dying.  I made two blankies out of your tee shirts for Ethan and Noah, and I mailed them to her house, and would you know I never heard from her to even know if they were received?  I hope they were...your boys deserved a comforting piece of you, but then again I'm not their mother or caretaker so maybe I was overstepping my bounds.  I don't know.

They are seven and nine now.  If I ever met them again, I would not tell them what our relationship was.  I would just tell them, "I knew your dad.  He was great, and he loved you two like crazy."

We did a great job at keeping our relationship private...other than maybe Steve, and a friend or two of yours who finally got it out of you, we pulled off a fantastic heist.  And if we got married at St. Kitts on Valentine's Day like you wanted, I have no idea if we would have lasted forever, but I'm 100% sure I would have been dancing in your kitchen with you while the Mighty Mighty Bosstones were playing in the background.  Our life would have been such a blast...you might not believe me, but the fact that you considered me at all was such a big deal.  Turning on the Blackhawks game for me before I even got to your house was nothing to you, but everything to me.

Oh and by the way, when Jeff needed to borrow my car and I needed to borrow yours, thanks for driving the forty miles to pick me up, and then driving me back home the next day so I could use your sports car to get to the gig with the band the next day.  I'm thankful it was dark outside and you couldn't see me peeling out of your neighborhood in your BMW convertible...I admit, I drove that car the way it was meant to be driven.  You got it back in one piece, though...

This year is hitting me particularly hard, maybe because of all that has happened since last December.  I'm probably just grieving now, more than I was allowed after that first year because I was told that I should have been over it, and that I wasn't considering someone else's feelings when I mentioned you.  I was also told I didn't try, I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself, I was withholding sex just to spite someone, and that all I cared about was money.  Well, I was strong enough to head away from that situation and toward a much better one, so I'm easily strong enough to get through this every day.

I can't change things.  I made my mistakes, tried to fix them, and failed.  But I can still move forward and keep trying to do good.  I don't sing at church anymore; my schedule doesn't really permit it, but I do need to get a singing outlet under my belt again.  Other than that, I am running toward something, which is way healthier than running away from something.  Today, the thirteenth of December, just makes me sad now.

I'm thinking that I have always wanted to do something nice in your memory, but I couldn't pinpoint what I wanted to do.  Well, I think I have it.  For every cent I make through knitting this year, from now until December 31 of 2014, I'm going to donate it to St. Jude Children's Research hospital.  Every pattern I sell, the money from my column, if anyone wants to pay me for a keynote or a class or a lecture or private lesson...I'll empty out my PayPal account and ship it down to Memphis.

If this is the year I make it "big" in the knitting world, then so be it.  Those kids whose lives are being saved deserve it, and so do you.

Since this is a blog, if anyone else has dared read this far, my email address is amy.e.kaspar@gmail.com.  CJ died from complications of liver failure, but he has two little boys named Ethan and Noah and I would love his legacy to be more than just the good dad he was for the few years he could be one.

If you buy a pattern from me, I will donate the money to St. Jude in CJ's honor.  If you want me to talk to your knitting group on pretty much any topic on which I can inspire or rein in, I will donate any payment to St. Jude. If you pay me for a design, if you pay me for a column...anything related to knitting at all...I will donate proceeds after administrative fees (which are minimal) to St. Jude.  If you want me to chat about something other than knitting, I'm certainly open to that idea as well...I know a lot about anger, making peace, customer service, and just generally being a good person among other topics.

If you want to just make a donation on your own and add it to my contribution, use the above email address for PayPal, make sure the subject is something related to "CJ and St. Jude," and give me up to 24 hours to send you a receipt (I work overnight, so sometimes I am not right next to a computer).  If you have any questions, feel free to email me at any time and I'm happy to answer them.

I can't bring you back, but I can keep your always-giving spirit alive by doing this.  Maybe one day, I'll be able to live through the thirteenth of December with no tears, and maybe on the next one I'll be able to talk to you as I do sometimes, and tell you how much money I was able to raise for children's cancer research.  In my opinion, that will be a damn good day.

Forgiveness And Retail

Good afternoon, everyone.  Or as I like to say at this time of day, good morning.

So, I may be missing a deadline for a design submission this week because I was working too much to put the finishing touches on the item.  I have to forgive myself...designs can be submitted at any time depending on the publication, and I did need that extra time to get the thing a bit more perfect, so I can't beat myself up over it.

Which brings me to the art of forgiveness.

There is a misconception out there that forgiveness and forgetting are related.  They are not.  If you are like me, where you are a perfectionist but you are far from perfect, then learn this lesson sooner rather than later.

The more anger you carry, the sooner you die.  It's that simple.  I'm not dramatizing...I'm being serious.

So when a new friend (meaning less than three months) asked me to help him out financially, even giving me terms for him to pay me back, I spent my day being horribly offended and then I just forgave him.  Yes, I was initially so angry I actually wanted to call him, especially since he spelled out that he needed probably about $3,000 and a co-signer to buy a car, in a text message.  But after a day, I stepped back and thought, "I can't change you, and you are who you are."  When I spoke to him a week later and he asked if we were still friends, I told him I was angry at him because he had no right to do that, but he was forgiven.

Here's the tricky part...he acknowledged he was out of line.  Then, though, he asked what he can do to make up for it.  You need to remind yourself that there is no making up for it.  If you are able to say, "Well, he redeemed himself by..." then there was nothing to forgive in the first place.  There is a difference between accepting human error and accepting someone's character.  It's the second one that's difficult to forgive.  But hey...he is who he is, and he needed money.  I was offended that he asked.  Move on.

So now, this week...many of you know I'm an overnight manager for Walmart.  I was surrounded by probably 3,500 humans last night, the vast majority of which who were blaming me for not letting them park in a fire alley, not being able to manufacture televisions or increase an order of them instantaneously, or not being able to magically build and staff another sixty cash registers.

I busted out my mom voice once or twice and said to someone, "Look...my job is to make sure you are safe and to get you back home to your family with your stuff so you can have some last-minute pie."  It was as if these people literally forgot it was Thanksgiving and it was more like, "Well, for some reason I don't have to go to work so I'll spend the day planning how I'm going to spend more money than I have for people who I expect to do the same thing for me."

I have nothing...NOTHING...bad to say about my company.  I just don't understand Christmas and what it's become...I told my family that until I see the Three Wise Men fighting over the last Wii at Best Buy, I was no longer participating in gift exchanges...and because of what it's become, people have now lost Thanksgiving as well.

Thanksgiving is the one non-denominational, non-political or military holiday that everyone used to enjoy.  If you don't believe me, look at the calendar...New Year's Day may be a close second, but it pretty much exists because people need to recover from New Year's Eve.  I don't mind that I'm at Walmart on Thanksgiving...more on that another day but two ruined ones out of my 39 total Thanksgivings and I've made peace with it.  But I'm offended at this country for not demanding to take Thanksgiving back for themselves, and allowing retailers to treat it like it's another day without offering a solution.

My idea is that retailers can start surprise deep-discount deals the week before Thanksgiving, and then give all of their employees the day off.  Walmart actually did do the first part...there were a bunch of items on sale starting last Friday and it was announced two days prior...but we are the "leaders" of the industry so our sale got moved up to 6pm on Thanksgiving.  People who are missing out on Thanksgiving are now in a position where they can't afford Christmas without missing the one holiday we were all given to actually share a meal together.

I understand Walmart needs to make their money and smash the competition.  I don't understand how it's okay with every shopper, and more importantly, how they act like someone won't love them anymore if they are NOT able to buy that LeapPad or Navi for Christmas.  It's just STUFF, people!  And it's not worth throwing punches or making a total fool of yourself to another grownup who is at odds with and outnumbered by the crowd approximately 100:1, customer to Walmart employee.  To say to me, "I'm not leaving here without that television!" when every single one of them has walked out the door before you purchased one, well, what is it that you want me to do for you?  You're welcome to stay until one more shows up, if it ever does...we are open 24 hours and as long as you go home to shower and come back and wander around with a basket in hand and you purchase items when you come in, I won't kick you out.

But is it worth it?  It's a television.  I'm sorry you wasted the one holiday you are supposed to have as just yours and your family by the fact that YOU wanted a 32" flatscreen...Walmart was not forcing it on you, they were enticing you, and there is a huge difference...but I also can't just produce a television, so stop yelling at me.

This morning, after working 29 hours in two days, I was driving home and taking a deep breath, and I was thinking that these people have no idea that their inner demons are so strong inside them.  They know not how they act when presented with a choice to give up spending time with their families in favor of greed and insecurity of love for their families.  They literally don't know until it's too late and they are standing in a line for two hours, angry that they can't spend $1,900 SOONER and that they have to wait for the people in front of them to do the same first.

They are forgiven.  I think Christmas has become too stupid for words, but I certainly support my employer and if people feel the need to turn into horrible people for a day because they can't believe they were pulled away from home for a good deal on a television, that's on them.  Not me.  And I can't change it.